


I will survive..?

by Shino_Shinozaki



Category: Sword Art Online
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 21:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12872913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shino_Shinozaki/pseuds/Shino_Shinozaki
Summary: “I’m not some frail vase you need to carry around, Rika! I’m your girlfriend! I might even be-” Shino swallowed, stopping herself as the tears began to roll down her cheeks, “I want to help you! You’ve been staying up late like this for months now! I don’t want to be the load, I want us to get through crap together!”





	1. Chapter 1

_‘Why am I even here? How? I shouldn’t be. I don’t deserve to be. I don’t deserve any of this. I’m a murderer.’_

Rika Shinozaki’s mind was running in overdrive. The clock on the nightstand by her bed said it was almost midnight. _‘Geez,’_ she thought, _‘It’s been over an hour, and I’m still not tired.’_

“You’re taking all the blanket again, Rika.”

The voice belonged to Shino Asada; her roommate, a major distraction from her guilt, and girlfriend of five months. _‘My girlfriend…’_ Rika managed one of her playful smiles. “Well, if we just cuddled up to each other, we’d save a ton of room, y’know.”

Shino kept her back turned to Rika. “I’ve had just about enough physical contact from you for one day, Rika. I don’t need more.”

“Aww… darn.”

_‘“Girlfriend”. God… how many people lost theirs? Or their boyfriend or their sibling or… their kid. How many were my fault?’_ She lost countless hours of sleep contemplating these questions, though it all came back to the last one. 

_‘Two hundred and five,’_ a reply would come, _‘That was how many customers you got before you met Kirito, wasn’t it? Two hundred and five.’_

Then in response, _‘Hold up. I had a lot of repeat customers even after Kirito. So… I couldn’t have killed all of them, right?’_

Rika turned onto her side, away from Shino. She wrapped her arms around her own body, hoping for some kind of comfort, even if it was from herself. _‘Sure. You had, what? Ten? Fifteen repeat customers from before then? Almost two-hundred is better than more than two hundred, right?’_

_‘But not all of them died. Some might have been smart enough to not rely on them too much.’_

_‘Some might have, but not all. And how could anyone not trust a smiling, adorable little face like yours? The childish pink hair and the freckles? How could anyone not trust a face like that?’_

It would continue on and on into the night, sometimes even coming up during class. It would continue to eat and gnaw at her conscience. And yet it couldn’t completely devour her, which made it even worse, in the way that torture was worse than death. She had good days. Days where she could laugh, be with her friends, go to the movies, fairs- Days she wasn’t punished for her sins. Days she didn’t deserve.

Rika’s train of thought was momentarily interrupted by a small click and a light briefly vanquishing the darkness. Rika turned over, and saw Shino sitting up. Her arms were folded, and her brow furrowed in annoyance, but the facade of annoyance was contradicted by the sheer concern in Shino’s eyes. “What’s wrong, Rika?”

Rika put on her best smile, but it felt fake. “Wrong? Nothing’s wrong, Shino. Let’s just try and get some sleep, ‘kay?”

“I can’t sleep if you can’t, moron,” she pointed out, bluntly. “And besides, it…” Shino sighed sharply. “It looks like something I’ve been through.”

_‘I wish you didn’t…’_ Rika thought to herself, _‘You’re absolutely amazing, Shino. You’re so smart and observant, you keep such a cool head, and you’re absolutely beautiful. There’s no way someone like me deserves someone like you.’_ Still, she kept up her salesman-smile to put her mind at ease. “I’m fine. Just one of those nights, y’know?” _‘I’m the one who’s supposed to comfort you, Shi-shi. Please don’t worry about me.’_

Shino nodded, but still wasn’t willing to give it up so easily. “Yeah, I do know. That’s why I’m asking.”

Rika managed to keep up the smile, hoping it’d get the point across. “I’m fine, really. You worry too much, Shino!”

Shino’s eyes narrowed, suspicion and concern filling her gaze. “Now I know something’s wrong. You didn’t use that dumb nickname.”

Her grin faltered. “Look. I’m really fine. Honestly. It’s just… I’m getting used to the whole sleeping with you thing, y’know?”

The other girl looked thoughtful for a few moments, though an aura of annoyance radiated from her, worrying Rika. Still, even Shino being mad at her was better than more anxiety. Might even help relieve some of it. 

Without another word, Shino turned the small desk lamp off, though this time she wrapped her arms around Rika’s sides. She was surprised at first, but soon returned the embrace. “My irresistible charm couldn’t keep you away, could it?” Rika teased.

Shino nuzzled up against Rika’s neck and shoulder. “If satisfying your pervy desires gets us to sleep faster, so be it.”

Rika smiled to herself, and kissed the top of Shino’s head. “You’re the best, Shino.”

Shino didn’t respond, but her soft breaths and steady heartbeat were enough of a comfort for Rika.

XXX

_‘Why won’t you tell me, you big idiot? You’re hurting. We both know it. Just for once won’t you let me help?’_


	2. Chapter 2

_‘She’s gonna find out.’_ She thought as she packed her bag. _‘She’s already brainy. Plus she’s had experience with this whole thing.’_ She sighed, trying to regain some of her composure. _‘Just play it cool. Like always. Make sure Shino gets through the day.’_

She finished packing her bags and, taking a deep breath, Rika headed out of their shared room and into the other room. She could see Shino preparing their usual breakfast of toast, yogurt, and fruit… but there was also a rather familiar scent in the air. “Did you make coffee?” she asked, taking her seat on the cushion at the small table.

In response, Shino set down a mug of coffee at Rika’s place. “I’ll let you have some, this time.”

Rika couldn’t help but notice Shino had her own mug out. “Did you get some, too?” She couldn’t help wondering aloud.

Shino took her seat properly at her side of the table. “I...thought I’d give it a try.”

“Whatcha think?” Rika asked, taking a sip of her own.

“It’s a bit bitter…” She noted, “I tried putting some sugar in it, but…”

Rika grinned, “Well duh! Nothing compares to your natural sweetness.”

Shino’s cheeks flushed with crimson, trying to keep up her composure. “I...thanks.”

“It’s true!” she reaffirmed, trying to sell it with a smile. Her girlfriend’s lack of a snarky response was a bit worrisome, though. 

Shino managed to rebuild some of her confidence with a swig of coffee. “Rika, about last night-”

_‘Crap! Thought I was throwing her off.’_ Rika thought. She kept up her confident grin as she assured, “Don’t worry about it, Shi-shi! It was just one bad night.”

Shino shook her head, “It’s been more than one, Rika. At least five.”

Rika faked a chuckle, “I guess I should lay off the snacks before bed.”

Shino furrowed her brow, sighing sharply. “This is serious. Is something wrong?”

“Nothing to worry about.”

“So there is something?”

_‘Aw man. That was a poor choice of words.’_ She thought. “I mean… really, it’s fine.”

Shino crossed her arms, “Then there’s definitely something wrong.”

Rika sighed, “Like I said, it’s nothing you need to worry about.”

But Shino wasn’t giving in so easily. “It’s too late for that.”

Rika took a deep breath. She couldn’t screw up again. “It’s fine. Really. You have enough on your plate everyday as it is.”

“But…” Shino took a deep breath, “You’re my girlfriend, and if we’re going to be a couple, then we need to share the load.”

_‘Geez, she’s persistent,’_ she thought, rubbing the back of her neck, “I’ve got the load, Shino; for both of us, okay?”

Shino blinked. “So I’m the load, I guess?”

_‘Yikes… I’m off it today.’_ Rika shook her head, “That’s not what I meant. I’m just saying I’ll be the anchor and you-”

“-And I’m what? The frail sailing ship that’d be dashed against the rocks if not for her ‘anchor’?”

“Well, sort of…”

“And I’d just be broken without you, is that it?”

“Yeah! And if you need me, I’ll even patch you up.”

An awkward silence passed over the two. Shino seemed to be stewing, and Rika tried to keep up her assuring smile. The seemingly-frozen moment in time was interrupted by a harsh slap on Rika’s cheek.

Once she’d recovered, she looked at Shino. Her face was red, brow furrowed, teeth clenched, and tears formed in the corners of her eyes. “I’m not some frail vase you need to carry around, Rika! I’m your girlfriend! I might even be-” Shino swallowed, stopping herself as the tears began to roll down her cheeks, “I _want_ to help you! You’ve been staying up late like this for _months_ now! I don’t want to be the load, I want us to get through crap _together_! Not-” Shino’s breathing became harder- faster.

That was never a good sign. “Shino, are you-”

“I’m fine!” Shino snapped, though her breathing was still labored. “We need to get to school.”

“Are you sure-”

“If I have a problem, I’ll call Asuna or Kazuto, alright?”

Another awkward silence rolled in, though this one was far heavier than the last. After breakfast, the two remained quiet as they finished preparing for school. Even once they’d finished, Rika kept her distance as they headed downstairs.

Rika’s heart beat faster and harder the further she walked away from Shino. Horrible potential outcomes flooding her mind all the way to school. _‘Please stay safe, Shino.’_

XXX

Time seemed to slow to a crawl as soon as Rika entered the school building. Classes seemed to take twice as long, everyone seemed rowdier than usual, and just when it felt like she’d gone through a day and a half… it was only lunch period. 

That was when she finally managed to catch up with Asuna, a few spots back in the lunch lane. Rika’s stomach had been doing so many flip-flops she could barely stand to eat anything, and fell back to Asuna. “Hey, uh, Asuna?”

“Hm?” Some days it was hard to accept “Asuna the Flash” in a school uniform and in line to merely get a school lunch. A hero like her doing something so… normal. 

_‘Hero…'_ Rika thought, _‘Absolutely nothing like me.’_

“Rika?”

“Huh?” Rika shook her head, _‘Keep it together, girl.’_

“You looked like you were deep in thought… is something wrong?”

Rika shook her head, flashing her famous salesman smile. “Not at all! Just wondering if Shino’s texted you or Kazuto.”

Asuna looked thoughtful for a bit, then checked her phone. “Hmm… Doesn’t look like it. Does it have to do with whatever’s bothering you?”

Rika swallowed. She was good. “W-well I-”

There was a concerned expression on Asuna’s face, as she gently put her hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Let’s eat out front today, alright?’

Rika tried to keep up her smile, but Asuna’s gaze seemed to pierce straight through it. Relenting, she sighed. “Alright.”


	3. Chapter 3

The fresh air contained some small relief for Rika, but it still wasn’t enough to settle her stomach to eat (and since when was there so _much_?). The two took their seat at the bench Asuna and Kazuto usually sat at, a little ways’ away from the rest of the school. It was an unusually sunny day, with few clouds and the occasional chirps of birds and insects. “Nice day we’re having, huh?” Rika asked, hoping to divert attention just enough that they wouldn’t have to actually talk about anything.

Asuna nodded, “But what’s bugging you?”

There went that. She knew Asuna wouldn’t take kindly to lies, and if Shino did happen to text her and explain anyway, there wasn’t much of a point. With a reluctant sigh, Rika explained. “Shino and I had a fight this morning.”

“Oh… I see.” Asuna seemed quite understanding of the whole thing, her eyes showing flashes of concern. “Do you need a new place to stay?”

Rika’s eyes widened, “Geez… I didn’t even think about that.” She chuckled a bit, “Some girlfriend I am, huh? We have a fight and I just assume I can still stick around and all.”

Asuna cleared her throat, “Let’s not worry about that right now. What were you fighting about?”

Rika rubbed the back of her neck. She didn’t really have a problem talking about it, but she wasn’t sure if _Shino_ would feel the same way. “I’d rather not say…” 

“Oh… I see,” Asuna nodded. “Well, I don’t want to pry or anything, but I think the only way I can really help you is if I know what happened.”

Even in the guise of a normal high-schooler, the second-in-command of the Knights of the Blood Oath was plain to see. With a reluctant sigh, Rika explained. “Shino’s mad at me because… I wasn’t thinking, and said something _really_ stupid.”

Asuna only nodded.

“She was asking me about why I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep lately, and… I didn’t tell her because I feel like she has enough to put up with. I don’t want her worrying about me, too.”

“I...see.” Asuna cleared her throat. “You don’t think she’s up to handling your problems, too?”

Rika swallowed. Even Asuna seemed to be against her. “N-not necessarily. I just think she goes through enough crap, and that… I shouldn’t be on the list, too, y’know?” She continued, “I mean, we both know what she’s been through.”

“True…” Asuna nodded, “But she’s a tough girl, wouldn’t you say?”

“Definitely! She’s one of the strongest people I know…”

“Right,” Asuna took a drink of water, “So why don’t you tell her?”

Rika tilted her head, “Because I don’t want to add-”

“I know that,” Asuna leaned in, “But sharing that stuff is what couples do. You’re always there for her, and I’m sure she appreciates that! But you need to let it happen the other way, too. You need to let her take some of the load.”

_‘Let Shino take some of the load…’_ Rika thought. “But I don’t want to stress her out or hurt her, y’know?”

Asuna leaned back, “So, you think she’d be a lot more comfortable knowing you’re in pain, but can’t do anything to help?”

The point was finer and sharper than any rapier Asuna had wielded in Aincrad, striking right through Rika’s heart. The only meager response she could muster was a shrug.

Still, Asuna continued, though her expression brightened with a small smile. “You two seem to really love each other. Sometimes I even feel a little jealous… But please, if you can, talk with her about it.”

Rika stayed quiet for a few moments, contemplating her answer. She eventually creaked out a “I’ll think about it”, before finally starting on her lunch. 

XXX

Like most days, Rika came home to the smell of Shino cooking something that smelled _wonderful_. But this evening it was something with onions. Rika wasn’t terribly fond of onions, though perhaps that was a sign of her impending eviction.

Still, she marched in with all the determination she could muster, small bouquet of flowers in-hand. Shino stood over a small burner in the kitchen, having changed out of her uniform and into a t-shirt and shorts. _‘She’s so cute when she cooks,’_ she thought. _‘How on earth could I blow it like that?’_ With a small sigh to help reign her emotions in, she gave a simple greeting. “Hey there, Shino.”

The younger girl didn’t even glance Rika’s direction. “Nice flowers, but that’s not even a start on making up for this morning.”

Rika rubbed the back of her neck, setting the flowers down on the counter. “I-I know… I’m sorry.”

“‘Sorry’ for what?” Shino asked, attention still on the food.

Rika took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn’t repeat the same blunder. “I’m sorry for not believing in you. You’re one of the strongest people I know, Shi-shi and… me saying that stuff earlier today was pretty stupid.”

There was a small pause before Shino answered. “You’re right; it was stupid.”

Rika nodded, getting closer to Shino. “And… I want to tell you what’s eating away at me. Truly I do.” She took a deep breath. _‘How could she love a murderer like you,’_ she thought. _‘Hell, “murder” feels a bit weak for two-hundred people. “Serial Killer” might be more accurate.’_ A shiver ran through her spine. All the stuff she did earlier that day would be pretty easily forgotten if Shino realized her girlfriend had committed mass murder. And what if she called the police? Two-hundred kills probably warranted a death-sentence.

“Rika…”

“H-huh?” Rika shook herself out of her thoughts, noticing Shino staring at her with that same expression from last night. A concerned gaze betraying an otherwise annoyed expression. “Sorry, I...uh…” _‘Just tell her!’_ Her thoughts argued, _‘She loves you, too, after all.’_

“You’re shaking.” Shino folded her arms and leaned against the counter. It was amazing how cool she could act. “What’s going on with you?”

The conflicting thoughts felt as though they might tear Rika in two. _‘I can’t be this weak for her… I have to be stronger,’_ she thought, biting her lip. “I...I uh…” 

“‘You’ what?”

“Um…” Rika racked her brain for a response. The words ‘Serial Killer’ constantly bombarded her mind, her head starting to hurt. She looked at Shino, whose concern began to show through the tough and cool exterior. “I… love you..?”

Shino blinked, “ _That’s_ what’s wrong with you?”

Rika’s eyes widened at the implication, and she quickly tried to brush it off, “N-no… I was just swept up in your beauty... I guess. I wasn’t thinking.”

But Shino wasn’t letting it go that easily. “So what is?”

“I… I...um…” _‘Might be a serial killer.’_ Rika thought, though really only finished with a shrug.

Shino sighed, rubbing her forehead. “Look, I’m sorry about this morning, too. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, or slapped you.”

“Huh?” Rika blinked. _‘Wasn’t expecting that,’_ she thought. “Thanks, I guess, but I really kinda deserved it.”

“No…” Shino shook her head, “You didn’t.” 

Rika shrugged, her brain still pounding in pain. _‘I don’t deserve her. I really, really don’t,’_ she thought.

“Rika…” Shino started, averting her gaze from the other girl, “If you ever need me or anything… To talk or something… I’m here for you.” Her gaze quickly narrowed in, expression firming. “But nothing pervy, ya got it?”

Rika swallowed. Usually she might chuckle a bit at the last part, but too much was on her mind. _‘I don’t deserve her… but somehow she’s stayed with me… And…’_ She cleared her throat, “There is something I need you to do.”

Shino leaned back against the counter, still looking rather calm. “Name it.”

Rika gave a heavy sigh, and explained her demands. “Will you… tell me that you love me, and… promise to stay with me? Even through the worst of the worst?”

Shino seemed a bit surprised, but eventually nodded. “I love you, Rika Shinozaki. You’re a pervert and you drive me absolutely crazy… But I love you. And I’ll stick with you through the worst of the worst.”

_‘I love you, Rika.’_ The words, in her girlfriend’s beautiful voice seemed to combat the words that had been plaguing her mind, even if just a little. Rika smiled, “Thanks, Shino. You’re the best.”

Instead of a snarky response, Shino only blushed and gave a small shrug. “We’ll get through this, too, Rika. We’re worth it.”


End file.
